A typically dormant geyser at Yellowstone has erupted three times in the past six weeks, prompting a mix of delight and horror among local residents and tourists. "It's obscene," remarked one woman shielding her child's eyes. "I don't know what's gotten into this world!" Records show that the geyser hadn't erupted since 2014 and hasn't had this many sequential eruptions since the early 2000s. "Frankly, I'm happy for Steamboat. Let a geyser live a little!" implored one of the park geologists, Stanley Rose. "I'm sure that it hasn't been easy for the world's largest geyser to hold all that in for so long." At press time, Mother Earth was not available for comment, but could be heard sighing contentedly.
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Two and a half years after President Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, slaves in Galveston were finally informed today by Union soldiers of their freedom, striking fear and anger in the hearts of plantation owners across the state.
"This is an outrage!" cried one particularly angry former slave-owner, Duke Gail. "If any of my former slaves are having these words read to them, then hear this: you are NOT eligible for rehire, so don't come back here and expect to be whipped with a cane and forced to toil anymore, because you are NOT welcome. You can't EVER come back here! DO YOU HEAR ME?! NOT EVER!" As Gail looked out on his now-empty fields, he murmured to himself, "Well, I bet they feel really bad now. They're gonna miss this."
When asked what he planned to do in the coming years, Mr. Gail sighed and responded, "I don't know. Start a University, I guess."
“When I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers -- so many caring people in this world.” -- Fred Rogers
Millions of well-fed, well-clothed, well-sheltered, well-educated humans on planet Earth tuned in this week to something referred to as "the Facebook hearings", where a panel of older humans questioned a younger one about his role in the downfall of their civilization. Hundreds of questions were half-asked and mostly dodged as onlookers wondered if their world was on the precipice of irreversible doom. When asked, an infinite number of ancient historical hipsters chimed in to say that they warned folks about impending doom thousands of years ago and they'd be around to continue that line of generational condemnation if they hadn't all died of the bubonic plague.
Referred to as "trash pandas" by Earth's human population, some raccoons in Ohio have begun to walk upright, fall into trance-like states, smile, drool, and explore in the daytime instead of at night. They also appear to exhibit absolutely no fear when presented with stimulus that would normally terrify them. While the raccoons have not shown any signs of violence or harm against anyone in the community, the community has diagnosed them with Fear Deficit Disorder™ and plans to trap and euthanize them as soon as possible.