Millions of well-fed, well-clothed, well-sheltered, well-educated humans on planet Earth tuned in this week to something referred to as "the Facebook hearings", where a panel of older humans questioned a younger one about his role in the downfall of their civilization. Hundreds of questions were half-asked and mostly dodged as onlookers wondered if their world was on the precipice of irreversible doom. When asked, an infinite number of ancient historical hipsters chimed in to say that they warned folks about impending doom thousands of years ago and they'd be around to continue that line of generational condemnation if they hadn't all died of the bubonic plague.
Referred to as "trash pandas" by Earth's human population, some raccoons in Ohio have begun to walk upright, fall into trance-like states, smile, drool, and explore in the daytime instead of at night. They also appear to exhibit absolutely no fear when presented with stimulus that would normally terrify them. While the raccoons have not shown any signs of violence or harm against anyone in the community, the community has diagnosed them with Fear Deficit Disorder™ and plans to trap and euthanize them as soon as possible.
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July 2020
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